Once I was writing something really epic on an iPad I used to have. I was constructing some great ideas for an awesome story. But I was too shy and I didn’t want to show to anyone until I had a finished idea.
One day, a dumbass took my iPad (because that person thought I was hiding something) and, in the struggling of wanting my tablet back, the file was gone. Deleted. I tried to get it back but I couldn’t. I was so angry! and so sad because I felt that part of my life was gone. At that time, it broke me so hard that it took me several years to start writing again.
Today I had a similar feeling because I couldn’t access this blog. Of course, it was something that could be solved with a little research on the web. I solved my problem in a few minutes but meanwhile, I felt I was losing again what I wrote and, thinking about losing a part of who I am, made me feel vulnerable and it stills hard to understand that I am not.
I know that I can always do better but then… why do I have contradictory, unnecessary and complicated thoughts that hurt inside my chest? It makes me feel I want to cry over my bed all night long. Am I broken in the inside?
(I already mention this but) I write a lot because is the best way to untangle my thoughts. I need this because I doubt a lot about myself (about what I am capable to do). Writing down my ideas helps me to visualize what I am doing and where I want to go. Writing epic stories helps me to understand my position in this world.
That’s why polishing my writing helps me to grow up. I can think over about everything I want to invest my time on. I wish I knew this on an early stage of my life but I didn’t and I can’t blame anyone, I only can start doing something to improve myself each day of the week/month/year. It is hard as hell, but here I am, trying to evolve.
On January I posted an entry called “Job hunting.” I felt ready to go back to my basics and follow my mellow hearth wherever it wanted me to go (and by this I mean that I tried to follow the corniest thoughts stored in my brain, constructed by my
Rousseauian Kantian Hollywood chick flicks education and decided to do some good for our society and environment).
After looking for something that could make me happy on a daily basis and after the counterpart agreed that I was “the one for them”, I was hired (in August). So… there I was: a young professional, going back to a real job in an NGO. I was ready to work in something that allows me to make a positive transformation in the most needed communities in my country (definitely the corniest part of myself). But, why? Why I believe this is the way to transform into a better society? (a topic for another time)
Anyway, two months have passed and I’m still really excited about this new phase in my life, although I wish I had no job because it would mean that society is doing the things right (or the right things). It’s not the case.
My love for my job is the reason I haven’t written anything here, I focus on the projects I am doing and in other daily activities. But I really enjoy to think-write-think again – erase, erase, erase and rewrite this blog. Here, I can share my thoughts and where I feel refresh and renovated. The magic of the www.
So dear you: thank you for remembering me that here’s another important part of my life.
I’m a person that grew up watching all kind of food advertisement. I knew all the sweet snacks jingles and I loved singing them all the time. When I went to the supermarket with my parents they never bought me any kind of junk food even if I wanted to try them so badly. Of course on some occasions, they gave me candies, cookies or junk food.
I remember watching other kids in my school enjoying lots of junk food while I had an apple and a sandwich in my lunch box. One of my friends took all her healthy lunch out from her tupper and threw it directly into the garbage bin. Her mother always pushes her to finish all her meal and my friend hated healthy food. After disappearing her food, I accompanied her to buy a “bear claw”, some kind of glazed soft and a warm big piece of sweet bread. Heaven for a kid.
In those days carbonated beverages and junk food were not banned from schools. Also, prizes for a good behavior or a great performance in the class were frequently candies and chocolates. On weekends, going to the cinema was always better while eating some buttered popcorn. What kind of education in nutrition was that?
When I start working in an office I noticed that I had the trend of rewarding myself with an ice cream every Thursday because I deserved it (also on Thursday ice cream were 2×1 and I could share my
guilty happiness with someone else). Knowing that I was going to have a weekly ice cream doesn’t stop me from eating some delicious waffles with chocolate and a milkshake on Sunday morning or having some buffalo wings for dinner. I didn’t feel I was having unhealthy habits. I didn’t have any healthy disease that needed a special diet and I had a great weight considering my age and height so I thought I was doing just fine. In fact, people around me told me I look healthy the way I was and I didn’t have to worry about nothing. But I wasn’t confortable with myself.
It took me many years to understand that not everybody wants me to be better and that the reason that led me to take more care about my nutrition and how it affects the way I look is not going to be understood by everyone. It took me more time to start doing something to change my nutrition habits. I’m still studying and learning how I can become a better version of myself. It’s difficult because more than half of my life I learnt and listened to the wrong references.
I still want to eat a big piece of chocolate cake when I feel I am doing great in life but I know I must change that synopsis from my brain and maybe start rewarding myself in another way.
I was discussing with the other part of my bed how music had changed through time and how I had changed with music.
It’s beautiful to get the chills because of a song, especially when you attached a personal experience.
I feel I am not following any specific genre because I can get emotional with a metal song or with a bossa nova, but because I studied classical piano from age 4 to age 16, from time to time I found myself listening more piano music than anything else. I enjoy closing my eyes and create inside my head the story of what the beautiful sound of the piano is telling me.
One of the songs that always make me feel better is Merry Christmas Mr. Lawerence from Ryuichi Sakamoto. Take the time to listen to this masterpiece:
I miss from my childhood the sensation of total boredom. Boredom always forced me to look beyond the common scenario and took me to different places. Before the Youtube Era, my imagination was my browser channel. I closed my eyes and I start watching whatever I wanted to project in my mind. I get disconnected from this human world and I visited different worlds created by me and were based on the things that I liked. Scenery depended on my mood, sometimes I was Legolas in The Battle of the Pelennor Fields, a Yoshi surrounded by more Yoshis in Yoshi’s Island, a worker of Capsule Corp or a paleontologist living in Jurassic Park.
I miss having those moments with myself.
Now I’m more used to consume content from the web than make time to listen to my inner voice. When I started to ignore what my inner voice was trying to tell me? I don’t know, but this last week, that I became a little nostalgic, I turn on my imagination. Just a little, just to say hello.
I haven’t written anything in two weeks. This means that my thoughts haven’t had an escape valve. Today, I had felt unsure and tired of myself and after trying to do some exercise, I crashed. My eyelids started to feel heavy. I was holding so many thoughts that I couldn’t focus. I was being controlled by negative feelings that were affecting my productivity and self-destructive attitudes started to flow.
But this happens and, after working with full consciousness the kind of person I want to become, now I have an advantage: I know how to feel motivated and renewed from one moment to other. The key is to look for some inspiration.
Everything starts with one idea. I start working and nourishing an idea. To understand the idea, I must fragment it in several sub-themes because I need to see each part of an idea. After I analyze and order those sub-themes, I can get as result a new perception that is shown to me as clear as if I could see the bottom of a refreshing and sweet cenote. With this clearness and understanding of an idea, inspiration happens. Inspiration comes from the linkage of the ideas that I have in my mind, and as the result of an inspiring afternoon, I usually develop new ideas. It’s a perfect cycle that empowers ideas that empowers inspiration that empower ideas…
The pretty thing is when ideas become strong enough to have its own path and maybe become a reference for me or for others. When I realize how much power an idea can have, I feel that my purpose in life is to reach enough knowledge to edify an idea that can help in the positive transformation of our society.
I have cross a no turning back point when I decided to develop and nourish my ideas. Sometimes it’s hard to see how society is working but doing my best is the only way I can feel peace. I’m waiting to succeed and become an important changemaker in society. In the end, I feel like I’m fuzing with this Universe. Or at least my presence is altering this Universe. And I feel powerful knowing that.
To write is easy; what is hard is to feel comfortable with what I want to publish and share. I’m determined to excel in all my deliveries as a writer because that’s my way to find my own happiness in this existence.
I know I can’t reach everyone with what I write because we all have different backgrounds, objectives, and positions in life, but I also know I have many things to share and that someone (at least one lonely soul like mine) can feel related to my thoughts.
For many years I convinced myself that I was living in a worthless place and that I was doomed to rot with everyone else that hold similar mentality. I felt La Nausée sartrian. Fortunately, the actions I took day by day changed me and today I’m not the kind of person I wanted to be 6 years ago (and I am glad). Instead of that, I accepted that life can be hard, people can be mean (or just stupid), but I decided to stay positive and with no doubts about bringing some good into this chaotic scenario we are living in.
La Nausée is still outside my door but I don’t care about it anymore. I don’t want to be swallow by it, I don’t want it to make me feel incapable of leading myself into things I want to reach. I want to be le contraire de la Nausée.
I must remember to chill out, think in a positive and constructive way (no matter what) and surpass my limits. Amazing persons are doing this and they’re the hope I need to continue this journey.